clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Tears Of Unfathomable Sadness, Volume 11

New, 29 comments

UConn, Northeastern, and the return of our Lord Jesus Chreichel

He is risen!
He is risen!
Bruce Bennett

Last week talked about UConn and their embarrassing academic record in men's basketball. I suppose we could have talked about any number of issues UConn has had in the past on their way to tarnished national championships, but the GSR just happened to be the embarrassment du jour down in Storrs.

That's why it's a bit rich to see articles like this coming out of the Nutmeg State:

UConn would have to learn how to cheat to join the ACC

We, the sports fans of Connecticut, would all be happier if the UConn Huskies were delivered from the wilderness known as the American Athletic Conference.

Recent developments, however, prompt the following query: If the Huskies ever got an invitation to the Atlantic Coast Conference, could they cheat enough to survive?

Serious question. Have you seen the scorecard lately?

The best part of all this is just how bitter UConn still is about not being in the ACC. Every morning is bright seeing the Huskies languish in athletic purgatory.

As for the substance of the article...oh, the ACC has had some issues lately, no doubt. Academic fraud at UNC. Academic fraud at Notre Dame ("ACC" in quotes on that one). And honestly, what's NOT happening at Florida State? But this article would have been a great candidate for @SavedYouAClick.

If the Huskies ever got an invitation to the Atlantic Coast Conference, could they cheat enough to survive?

Yes.

Let's move on to some Huskies that are a little more lovable:

Anytime you start talking about the "worst [something] in school history," it's important to look at exactly who you're talking about. For example, if we were talking, say, Minnesota, you wouldn't really be saying much saying that they had their worst start ever. Their worst start ever is probably, like, 0-1.

But Northeastern's got a pretty freaking bad history. This is a team that hasn't been able to 2-0 in a four team tournament since before I was born.

But the silly thing about Northeastern's 0-6 start is that they were supposed to be pretty halfway decent this year. They were 4th in the preseason Hockey East coaches' poll and nabbed a 1st place vote, and were the sexy pick to have a nice season. They just missed the NCAA tournament last year and have one of the best goalie's in the country.

Then, they go and get stomped by Vermont, shut out twice by Colgate, lose to UMass (!), and get swept by Quinnipiac, who had just lost to UConn. That's...not good.

And lastly, our latest addition to the "Come on, seriously? Really? I mean, honestly?" file:

Oh, Jack Eichel, the places you'll go!

Oh, for God's sake...

Jack Eichel moves around the ice like a lava lamp.

What the...

The Boston University freshman makes hockey--dangerous and difficult--look quite safe and easy within his slippery surface encased in glass.

Okay lava lamps don't hold actual lava. But honestly, what...

Now, unlike a lava lamp, Eichel has major wattage. Because of the NHL draft forecast, he has cast a bright light back on the hockey program of Boston University.

Shoot me.

A lava lamp's function is not to create light, but to create a mood. As your eyes fixate, the unpredictable, syrupy movements put you in a state of calmed focus. It's hard to take your eyes off it.

Seriously, somebody please shoot me.

We know. Jack Eichel is Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, God, Allah, and Mel Gibson, combined, wearing hockey skates. He is also a lava lamp.

I love you, Bucci, but my God, I think enough is just about enough.