clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Tears Of Unfathomable Sadness, Volume 5

Featuring Wake Forest, UConn, and Notre Dame

Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

Did you all have fun watching BC dismantle the Black Bears this weekend? #JustLikeHockey

We've got a few goodies for you this week. Let's start out with...Wake Forest?

The Deacs aren't exactly a hated rival. They won the ACC championship that one time, which was kind of weird, so good for them. But for the most part they're just the ACC's cute little Vanderbilt.

Wake Forest is trying their very best to bring some talented players to Winston-Salem but given how bad they are at football, they clearly need to shake things up a bit. Why not entice them with obsolete media?

Wake is sending out fake magazine covers to athletes to tell them that they should join the Deacs. Okay, fine. But we've got a few problems here.

First off, People Magazine? Great start. Someone is being paid money to think like a college athlete, and that person thinks of People Magazine when posed with the question, "What is a teenage male likely to be reading these days?"

Second, those are awful photoshop jobs. If you gave me those covers and five minutes with MS Paint, I could get rid of the white trim around the clipped pictures.

And finally...KimGera? Mrs. Marshall? Creepy as hell. Not only are you promising them famous girls, but you're promising them marriage. And teenage dudes don't care about marriage, I'm pretty sure.

Kim Kardashian is like twice as old as these guys. She is also gross. And if you're promising some dude Selena Gomez, that's a check you'd better be prepared to cash or you're going to have a pretty upset recruit on your hands.

Moving on, we have what's becoming a weekly segment called "What is UConn whining about this week?" How about a loss to BC?

UConn field hockey is pretty good. Their website claims that they just won the national championship last year, but sources have been unable to confirm. Last week, BC took down the Huskies in a shootout and moved up to #6 in the national polls. UConn, however, is protesting the result of the game:

Despite winning the second set of sudden victory attempts, the umpires instructed the teams to continue until each player from the team had a shot attempt. A decision from the NCAA will come within the next couple of days to determine the final outcome of the game, said Stevens.

You mad? Sources say you mad.

Not only is UConn protesting the game, they are refusing to update their website with the final score. The NCAA website does have them with the one loss. Par for the course for the Huskies. Womp womp. Get over it.

Last, but certainly not least, we have Notre Dame!

Always a treat to feature the Domers in the Tears. In our very first Tears of Unfathomable Sadness, we talked about the recent Notre Dame cheating scandal and linked a couple great articles taking shots at the beacon of perfection that is the Fighting Irish. One in particular from Deadspin had a great quote:

Leave it to Notre Dame to take a cheating scandal and somehow use it to buff its own halo ... Here they are in The New York Times, crying, "Gosh, this is so unlike us!"

We've got another great example of this courtesy of Slap The Sign, a Notre Dame blog, with a wonderful, unnecessarily wordy article entitled "If Jameis Winston Played In South Bend, What Would Happen?"

The article first mentions that Notre Dame offered a scholarship to Jameis Winston, but goes off on a bizarre tangent to justify the school offering a scholarship to a player who seems to be kind of an idiot:

Winston was also offered by the Stanford Cardinal...If he could get into Stanford, he probably would have been eligible to enroll at Notre Dame.


Anyway, the article goes on to have some really great gag-inducing moments:

Notre Dame takes a hardline against any type of misconduct
Does Notre Dame mold young men or do the young men mold Notre Dame?
Notre Dame clearly creates an uncompromising environment where individuals either sink or swim. An individual who swims will become a well-rounded individual. But, some sink.

Ah, there's the Notre Dame we know and love. Definitely worth a read and a chuckle.

That's it for this edition. See anything over the course of the next week that you think would make a good Tears feature? Throw it in the comments, or just shoot us an email at We'll be sure to give you a hat tip if we use your suggestion.