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Tears of Unfathomable Sadness, Volume 6

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Who are we making fun of to get over the loss to Colorado State?

Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

Another week, another set of teams to make fun of. Hooray!

We start off this week with UMass, who had their first game back at Brian McGuirk Stadium, in Amherst, since 2011. All seemed well, with the game selling out in advance and many happy Minutemen and women turning out to see Umass in a huge league contest against Bowling Green.

Unfortunately for UMass, they lost and fell to 0-5. Surely there is is a metaphor for this to be found somewhere?

It would be hard to come up with a better one than this. During the game against Bowling Green, their brand-new scoreboard just...collapsed. Fell. Came crashing down, much like UMass's hopes of being successful in FBS.

Quality stuff.

Now UMass goes out to Miami d'OH for a clash of titans. Both teams are 0-5, so this matchup will almost certainly determine who will win that game.

Moving right along, we have Syracuse! Now, it's not often we laugh at a team that loses to Notre Dame, but these things can and do happen.

Let's start by giving you a visual. The Orange are at home, ready to take on one of the most famous teams in the land (barf, I know), and then they come out wearing this...which, by the way, I'm pretty sure doesn't have any Orange on it.

Some dudeguys in the stands get plastered, a Notre Dame fans thinks a Syracuse fan is after his Lucky Charms, and the fun starts. What happened is exactly what you would expect to happen when drunk dudeguys wearing different colors sit next to each other: Fight Club.

Now the scene is set. Notre Dame wins. Let's have a look at the box score:

Am I reading this right?

Syracuse had 429 yards of offense, and forced 5 (!!) turnovers, and only managed to put up 9 points on offense and 15 points overall? That does not compute.

I'm not really sure what this says about BC's chances against Syracuse, but that's some black belt-level ineptitude.

And finally, we end this week's edition of the Tears on a somber note. College hockey season kicked off this weekend with several women's hockey teams playing exhibitions against scrub teams from Canada. The carnage was unimaginable. Below is a list of teams who managed to tie or lose to these non-NCAA Canadian squads.

IN MEMORIAM:

In the arms of the angel...

McGill 7, St. Lawrence 4

fly away from here...

McGill 4, Vermont 0

from this dark cold hotel room...

Montreal 4, Providence 1

and the endlessness that you fear...

Ottawa 2, Union 2

you are pulled from the wreckage...

Montreal 4, Northeastern 3

of your silent reverie...

Western Ontario 2, Ohio State 2

you're in the arms of the angel...

Pursuit of Excellence 3, RIT 2

...may you find some comfort here.