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Playa Haters Ball: Wake Forest Edition

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They may seem nice but we still can hate.

Welcome, welcome everybody to this edition of the BCI Playa Haters Ball. Today we are here to honor the Wake Forest Demon Deacons football program and their fans, the vanilla of the ACC Neapolitan Ice Cream carton. The Demon Deacons get the honor of being part of Tobacco Road, where they constantly get beaten by all three of the other schools, and treated by the media like they are school from up north. It must be so frustrating to be at the bottom of the barrel in this group, watching Coach K and Roy Williams recruit circles around your program, and all three schools have more success on the gridiron.

What is there to say about Wake Forest football, well we can just look at their most recent stud NFL player that came from this school. Aaron Curry, drafted by the Seattle Seahawks, was a Top 10 pick, who then flamed out faster than Chris Paul’s ankle against the Warriors. Seriously, look at this list of Deacons in the NFL, I’m guessing Wake Forest fans haven’t heard their school’s name announced during a Monday Night Football game. Unless it’s because a player is coming in during a 45-7 blowout.

I see that David Chase is a Wake Forest graduate. Can you personally thank him for the 75+ hours I sank into The Sopranos only to have a f****** blank screen instead of an actual ending? I think we all deserved to find out if Tony lived or died, not this chicken poop cop out.

Let’s talk about the Demon Deacon for a moment. In college football we have lots of great and intimidating mascots that represent the school. Osceola highlights the great native American tradition at FSU, the Notre Dame leprechaun is a great symbol of every Sullivan and O’Connor in the world that has a hint of Irish in them. What the hell is the Demon Deacon? If I were a fan who never turned a college football game and saw that “thing”, what would my first impressions be? He’s a creepy old man that wears a top hat and for some reason rides a motorcycle? He looks like Bob from Accounting after a midlife crisis and his wife left him he decided to go out and get that motorcycle he always wanted. And hell work is getting boring, so let’s try a few substances to make life interesting again, and wow man this top hat is kick ass let’s wear that too. There you have it, the Wake Forest Bob From Accounting.

And what is Wake’s biggest tradition, it is “Rolling the Quad”, something they do after every big athletics win. First of all, you stole that tradition, Auburn had been doing it about 50 years before you started doing it when you moved to Winston-Salem in 1956. This would be like if BC fans were like “we need a new tradition”, how about we give Baldwin a giant sword and he plants it at the 50 yard line every game Secondly, what a waste. Here at Wake Forest we are committed to protecting the environment, until we beat Clemson, then SCREW THE TREEES WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOOOTBALL!!!!!!!!! How many trees died because a 7-5 Wake team beat a Texas A&M team that fired their coach? Finally, who cleans up that crap? After everyone disperses to go home and drink sweet tea or whatever it is they do down there, who has the unenviable job of cleaning that up? Luckily this only happens after big Wake Forest wins, so the poor custodial staff only has to clean up the quad of toilet paper once every five years.

In conclusion Wake Forest, I hate you. This hate really didn’t kick in until 2015, when Dave Clawson and your miserable program couldn’t quickly and mercifully end the worst football game I have ever seen live. If you could have scored some touchdowns, or done anything, I could have had two hours of my life back. Instead I was stuck there at Alumni, watching BC fart around, and do nothing, and Wake responding “oh yeah well we can be terrible too!”. For that I can never forgive you.