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Playa Haters Ball: UMass Football Edition

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The team and their fans are awful and here is why

Massachusetts v Mississippi State Photo by Butch Dill/Getty Images

Welcome everybody, to this week’s edition of the Playa Haters Ball. Football is a nasty game, as BC fans we need to get fired up about our opponents and their fans. Sometimes you get a team like UMass, where you know they are like the Cleveland Browns of college football but you still need to feel that fire of HATE. So you have to look deep, find those traits, flaws and plain ole’ facts that lets the dark side flow freely throughout you. Here we go, UMass you are on blast.

UMass is the flagship state school for Massachusetts, but it is practically on Mars. Massachusetts has some great cities and towns, obviously Boston, any town on the Cape, Ipswich, Worcester, and UMass isn’t located near any of them. You know where this campus is near? Springfield, a crime ridden dump that you drive through for two reasons, to see the NBA Hall of Fame, and the other is to get out of it as fast as possible. Think about it, from most cities in Massachusetts it takes 2 plus hours to get to Amherst, in that same amount of time you could go to the White Mountains, Newport Rhode Island, or NYC, all great spots, and you don’t need to risk having a frat boy in a 2pac shirt barf Natty Lite all over you.

But Mark Whipple Is An Offensive Genius. Yeah that is great, Mark Whipple can put together 31 points a game, but you know what Mark Whipple also can’t do? Coach a defense. 93, 108, 92, 105. Those are the scoring defensive rankings of UMass teams over the past four years. That is bad. Love on Mark Whipple’s offense all you want, but the man only does have of his job well. That is like saying “Oh this doctor is great, he does great checkups” but then you realize he constantly prescribes tylenol for your diabetes.

Sam The Minuteman

Mr. Butt Chin himself, he looks like the nephew of the ghoulish Providence Friars mascot. Look at those soulless eyes. He probably goes to his Thanksgiving and talks about how much he can bench press, and tells anyone who can listen about how awesome Barstool Sports podcasts are. Sam The Minuteman looks like I asked my six your old niece to draw a picture of John Cena, but she got distracted halfway through and decided to add a tricorner hat and 1700’s clothing because she remembered her class went on a field trip to Lexington and Concord last week.

“Yeah dood, screw dem BC jerkoffs, Andrew Fohhd is gunna be da next Tawm Brady. We are gonna go into that stadium and kick those Eagles around!”

Every time I post on UMass, I can expect one of two reactions. “You certainly think about UMass alot” and “YA DOOD WE ARE GONNA STOMP YA A$$!”, in which I laugh at both. First, I don’t give a crap about UMass. The only time I think about this game is when I’m trying to decide “What would be the most enjoyable way for BC to rip the souls out of their fans?” In the past few games we have had a few iterations of “let them hang around for a while, then after half time we drop kick them in the groin”. Those were fun. But I’m thinking this year, having the human freight train of destruction AJ Dillon drag their pathetic defense all over the field for two quarters, and then just sitting on the ball for the second half sounds like a lot of fun. So yeah, I don’t have any respect for your team, you aren’t winning, and I won’t give UMass a second thought other than to laugh at you when you get pummeled by some Sun Belt school in a bottom of the barrel bowl that you only earned because you set up a schedule so easy that Lawrence Academy could win the same amount of games.

Phew, that was a lot of hate. I’m exhausted. You want to leave some of that haterade? Leave your thoughts below. Unless you are a UMass fan, no one wants to hear your thoughts. Go to your 17,000 seat football stadium and think about how bad you are.