We all know that Santa knows who's been naughty and nice this year, and after Krampus gets done beating you in a sack with a stick, you'll get to wake up on Christmas morning to the joy of finding gifts under your tree. What does Jolly Old Saint Nick have in store for some of our ACC brethren? I took a trip to the North Pole under the guise of a goodwill mission for Judah The Maccabee and instead stole Santa's list.
Expect the following things, Atlantic Coasters:
Boston College: Warrior Lacrosse Stick
Spring is right around the corner, which means it'll be time to put away the hockey stick and pick up the lax stick. And with football doing well, basketball improving, and hockey still being relevant even if they're in a down year, the only thing left for us to root for is the start of lacrosse season!
I never got to ask about this, but I heard the elves talking. Santa was really worried about getting you that win over Florida State next year since there's a solid chance you'd just lose to Wake Forest the next week. There's a genuine concern up at the North Pole about giving you nice things.
Duke: A Bye Through To The Sweet 16
Santa's still ripping mad at how you've massacred his bracket in two of the last three years. Losing to Lehigh in '12 was bad enough, but the loss to Mercer last year? That's not okay. So since you've kept your nose out of trouble and football's gotten better, he sees fit to give you a free pass this year to hopefully make up for your problems.
Florida State: Monopoly Get Out Of Jail Free Cards
They probably already have a huge pile of these, but a few more probably won't hurt.
Georgia Tech: Shakim Phillips
Shakim is the type of player with the ability to stretch the field, extend the passing game, and really open things up. You are running the ball way too much, and let's be honest, Yellow Jacket fans, that triple option crap has to go if you want to win. So we give you Shakim, a guy with 10 catches and the ability to make you instantly a threat to throw the ball EVERY PLAY.
Louisville: Chicken Parm Pizza
Santa consulted Papa John's favorite shill guy, Peyton Manning, who told him, "Chicken Parm you taste so good." So since you're not allowed to have anything other than what Papa John says you can have, here you go.
Miami: Nickelback's Greatest Hits
Santa would've given you something to improve your football team, but judging by attendance, nobody really cares. So instead he grabbed whatever was on the discount rack at Christmas Tree Shops on the way through to Tallahassee.
North Carolina: Framed copies of the 2012 and 2014 NCAA Brackets
It'll at least make you feel a little bit better that since you won the basketball national championship in 2009, you haven't been to a Final Four. It should definitely make you feel better that while you've been knocked out in the last two years in the first weekend, at least you didn't lose to Lehigh and Mercer.
North Carolina State: A 2015 NCAA Basketball berth
Outside of Jimmy V's teams from the 1980s, only three senior classes has ever been to four consecutive NCAA Tournaments for men's basketball: the class of 1954 and the back-to-back classes of 2005 and 2006. If you can replicate that berth this year, your three seniors will join an elite group of sustained solid play in the school's annals. While you didn't win a national championship over that time, Santa thinks that's a great accomplishment in need of recognition.
Notre Dame: A lifetime supply of Valium.
Pittsburgh: A new coach who won't screw up James Conner.
Santa loved watching him plow over pretty much everyone en route to being named ACC Player of the Year. It would be a crime to bring in a coach who doesn't utilize him properly or who abandons that element of the game. So Santa's gifting you a coach who has a run-first mentality and knows how to get the most out of his offense.
No, it's not Steve Addazio.
Syracuse: Vintage Syracuse orange jersey with blue shorts
Those looked really snazzy when you played Boston College at home last year.
Virginia: Autographed copy of Virginia Tech's contract extension to Frank Beamer.
While your football team hasn't been great, Santa's impressed by the improvements made and the way you guys fought to the bitter end of the season for bowl eligibility. Since you're definitely trending up, Santa's going to make sure you have a reminder that you're almost the best ACC team in the state, and that by this time next year, there's a chance you've eclipsed the Hokies, who wrapped up their coach before the season through 2019.
Virginia Tech: Copies of Beamer's extension, attendance sheet from home schedule, and a box score from Wake Forest game.
Santa understands sentimental gifts, but that's a naughty move to make towards your fans. So as a reminder for what you've done and in hopes you'll learn better next time, Santa and Krampus are both giving you a copy of your 6-3 overtime loss to Wake and what happens when your team starts miring in mediocrity. Then again, your fans over the years have acted in a way at times like they deserve this lump of coal, so here's to asking the question, "What did you learn?"
Wake Forest: A Tune Up For The Demon Deacon's Motorcycle
Santa ran down the list of ways he could help you guys out, but there was too much on the asking list for one day out of the year. So he's giving you a tune up for the chopper because that's the best part of going to football games right now.