Diary Of One Half Of Trainwreck Football

[Ed. note -- Front page'd]

Pregame: Me: "Get ready for another exciting half of run-run-pass-punt football."

15:00: BC’s first drive.  Run-run-pass-punt

12:57 Florida St’s first drive.  Two Kuechly tackles and a forced fumble.  FSU punts.

10:50: BC’s second drive.  Run-run (fumble)

FSU scores and leads 7-0

9:07: BC’s third drive.  Run-pass-pass-punt.  Friend#3: “We’re 9 of 10 on play call so far.”  Discussion ensues whether punts count if you called a three-and-out in advance.  Consensus is they do not.  So we’re 7 of 8 on play calls.

6:52 defense gets a couple of sacks, stops FSU.  Starting to look a bit like last two years where the defense puts up a heroic effort only to be stymied by the offense.  That would be an improvement over most of this year.

3:32 BC’s 4th drive.  Run-run-run-punt.  That last run is on 3rd and 22.  Me: “Even I didn’t see that surrender coming.” Friend#1: “Guess Spaz has the under.”  We’re 9 of 11 on play calls (again, just by assuming run-run-pass for every drive).

End of First Quarter.  BC has 8 yards passing, -7 rushing.  Friend#2: “It is a minor miracle we are only down 7”  We have already devolved into mostly just tracking Kuechly tackles.  Tangible sense this game is only going downhill from here.

14:42 E.J. Manuel gives himself up rather than be tackled by Kuechly.  Vigorous discussion whether that should count as a tackle.  Consensus is it does not, but that Manuel’s manhood is fairly in question.

13:08 FSU scores to go up 14-0.  NOLES flags run through endzone in front of students, who can’t even be bothered to boo.  No one cares, everyone knows what’s coming.

12:35 Spaz opens up 5th straight drive with a run against the best run defense in the ACC.  We start discussing the basketball season.  Drive is run-run-pass-punt.  We’re 12 of 14 on play calls.

11:24 Fans around us have long since joined Kuechly tackle tracking.  FSU has a 55 yard run, Kuechly makes the tackle.  Replay review whether he’s forced his second fumble.  Kid next to me says he hopes FSU keeps the ball if that means Kuechly gets another tackle.

11:09 FSU 21-0.  Friend#1 leans over: “If it makes you feel any better, this is how I felt about UMass basketball for 15 years.”  FYI-it doesn’t.

10:24 FSU 21-0 again after previous TD overturned.  No one cares there was a difference.

10:24 Media timeout.  Vigorous discussion of conditions under which we would leave game at halftime.  Consensus is 31-0 or worse, or 28-0 if we still don’t have a first down.  Personally I have not left a game at halftime since the Army debacle in 1995, but my spirit is broken and I consent.

9:40 Mock cheer for our first first down.  Wait, no, holding call wipes it out.  Wife: “Why are we so terrible?”

8:35  BC offense hits double digits.  In yards.  We are still punting.  Friend#3: “At least there is a nice moon tonight.”  Friend #2: “Can Kuechly play offense too?”  Kuechly immediately makes his 9th tackle on the punt.

8:25 Me: “Hypothetically, how bad would we be if we didn’t have Kuechly?”  Friends#1-3 are speechless, slow head-shakes all around.  #blownminds

7:18 Kuechly’s 10th tackle.

6:44 Kuechly’s 11th tackle.  Vigorous discussing develops over whether that’s 10 or 11 as we've started to lose track.  Friend#3 asks about BC’s single game tackle record.  Rest of us agree it is Chamberlin at ‘Cuse, can’t decide whether it was 25 or 28.

4:51 FSU makes it 28-0.  We still don’t have a first down.  Total offense is 214 to 16.  Though that doesn’t count our 1.5 return yards.

4:12  Bordner comes in at QB.  At least that’s something interesting.  We bust a long run on a QB keeper.  Friend#3:”Spaz is probably over there screaming to run that play again.”  Next play is another QB keeper.

0:49 Spaz hasn’t swapped Bordner for Rettig all year, now he’s yo-yo’ing them like a favorite new toy on the same drive, Rettig comes on to boos each time.  Wife: “That poor kid!  Why does Spaz keep putting him back out there just to hand-off?”  This is a very good question.  My wife gets a kiss for her football-savvy.

0:43 Fumble.  We’ve now fumbled on their three yard line and our own.  Play under review.  Friend#2: “ESPN must be praying this gets overturned.”  It doesn’t.  End of half.