When you love B.C. football and can't get rid of your head coach, you feel unhappy
When you feel unhappy, you go to Happy Hour
When you go to Happy Hour, you're up for anything
When you're up for anything, you head to a Turkish bath house
When you head to a Turkish bath house, you meet Charlie Sheen
And when you meet Charlie Sheen, you reenact scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen.

Don't reenact scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen.

When your alma mater's college football program is on the fritz, you get frustrated
When you get frustrated, your daughter imitates
When your daughter imitates, she gets thrown out of school
When she gets thrown out of school, she meets undesirables
When she meets undesirables, she ties the knot with undesirables
When she ties the knot with undesirables, you get a grandson with a dog collar.

Don't have a grandson with a dog collar.

When your A.D. keeps trolling your fan base, you get angry
When you get angry, you go blow off steam
When you go blow off steam, accidents happen
When accidents happen, you get an eye patch
When you get an eye patch, people think you're tough
When people think you're tough, people want to see how tough
And when people want to see how tough, you wake up in a roadside ditch.

Don't wake up in a roadside ditch.

When you pay too much for B.C. football, you throw things
When you throw things, people think you have anger issues
When people think you have anger issues, your schedule clears up
When your schedule clears up, you grow a scraggly beard
When you grow a scraggiy beard, you start taking in stray animals
And when you start taking in stray animals, you can't stop taking in stray animals.

Stop taking in stray animals.

When you watch Boston College football, you get depressed
When you get depressed, you attend seminars
When you attend seminars, you feel like a winner
When you feel like a winner, you go to Vegas
When you go to Vegas, you lose everything
When you lose everything, you sell your hair to a wig shop.

Don't sell your hair to a wig shop.

When your team attempts the game-winning FG but it Freeses, you get irritable
When you get irritable, your work suffers
When your work suffers, the wrong man is convicted
When the wrong man is convicted, he has time to think
When he has time to think, he thinks about you ... a lot
And when he thinks about you a lot, your house explodes.

Don't have your house explode.